I have been dying to blog for a WEEK!! It’s been a few days since I could get to it due to some technical issues and it feels like I’m going nuts! :) Like I have no outlet for all these things running through my head… what did I do with all that stuff before blogging anyway??? I guess I just talked a lot. Oh wait, I still do that….
Anywho: This is what has been on my mind I wanted to blog about. I was at a family birthday party last week and I got to catch up with a cousin I haven’t seen in ages. She is a very sweet girl (well, woman now, all grown up), single, pretty, funny as all get-out. While I was holding Emily on the couch next to her, she said, “So, what’s the best thing about being a Mom.” I drew a blank. I mean a REAL blank. “No pressure, just the first thing that comes to mind.” Yeah, really, I had nothing but a big fat pause and “That’s a really tough question” as a reply. Really?
Did she really want to know the first thing that came to mind? Cause it was “exhaustion”… and that’s not something I love. Other words/phrases that crossed my mind, “insecurity,” “I’m always wrong,” “spit up,” “2 a.m. feedings,” “lack of showers,” “dirty diapers,” “overwhelmed,” “when she pinches my neck with her sharp little nails” and then the generic, “when she smiles it just melts my heart.” How fake is that?
I had no good answer to this question that day, and I still may not have it today, but the best way I know to answer you, Renee, is “the joy”. It wasn’t immediate, I’ve posted that before. And it isn’t a joy I feel just knowing I have a child. It’s a very specific joy. It’s the feeling I get from looking at her and knowing not only that I have been blessed with a child… but I have been blessed with THIS child. This beautiful, sweet-natured, good baby. She is healthy. She is so strong. And she is my charge. It’s more than a responsibility, it is a purpose. It’s the overwhelming feeling of joy you get when you realize that you are not in control of any of it, God is. The joy is that the weight we try to carry all by ourselves is lifted, because God is carrying it with us and for us! It’s the humility of wondering what I’ve done to deserve something so “perfect” in my life. Haven’t I made mistakes? Haven’t I messed up big time? How do I deserve her? How can I make my short-comings up to God (and to her)?
Even with all the mistakes and failures, I have still been given this purpose: to be Emily Ruth’s mom (and to pray that she grows into that name, b/c it is a really strong one). I guess for now, I’ll just have to keep praying it out daily. In Deuteronomy, there is a verse (16:15) that says, “For the LORD your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete.” It’s a verse regarding old testament laws about feasts and sacrifice. The people were supposed to come offer thanks at the feast, essentially to worship and praise God for their blessings. God gives us our needs, He blesses us, and in return we worship Him and thank Him for his goodness, it’s a great cycle! It’s not about my insecurities, it’s about being happy and thanking God for what I have.
Whew, now I know how others used to feel when I put them on the spot. Thanks, Renee, for the inspiration to dig deep! I would also like to make this post a challenge to all my other new mom friends out there, and to my sister… I want to hear what you think is the best thing about being a mom!! You can reply below… but, if you’re my sister, I would love it if you would start your own blog!! I love reading blogs and seeing what other people are into. Sarah, you’re the best mom I know (short of our own mom) and I would love to hear your insights!
By Penny Duvall, July 9, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Trying to keep up with all 8 of them, then when they come up to me and say out of the blue I love you mommy.
By Renee' Ashley, July 14, 2010 at 4:55 pm
LOVE this… LOVE YOU!!! ; )